To Judge = To Assess ≈ To Be Asses

Tuesday, July 29, 2014

This is going to be very opinionated. If you prefer to live in blissful ignorance of other viewpoints, kindly exit the page now; transversely, if you enjoy debate, let me know how you feel in the comments below this post.

Today I was casually browsing YouTube, watching videos of the channels that I am subscribed to and I stumbled upon a comment that really ground my gears. 

In this video, the YouTube content creator was giving options for a back-to-school makeup and outfit look, and given the fact that she was raving about/almost exclusively using CoverGirl products, one can assume that it was sponsored. I have absolutely no problem with this, however, it appeared that most of her other followers deemed this reason enough to give the poor girl loads of grief.

As someone who works in a field that derivates from the Internet, I'm well aware that getting corporate sponsorships is a pretty big feat, and usually means that these companies think that you have a wide enough -- and loyal enough -- audience reach to promote their products. With a platform like YouTube, where the content creator (if partnered with YouTube) earns just cents on each view, that can be a great addition to their income. 

Besides, this girl started out doing videos just so that she could share her ideas and views with a broader audience, right? The fact that she is successful enough to even have sponsorship is because of the viewers. The very people who were throwing her under the proverbial bus, just for using one particular line of makeup in a video.

The comments ranged from people complaining that it wasn't her "true view" on the products, since she was being paid to calling her "stupid" and a "sellout." This girl, who is just a few years my senior, is building herself a firm financial foundation for her future, and in my opinion is an entrepreneur. 

Responses like this are not rare, and can be found on videos and posts of many of the most popular makeup artists, gamers, vloggers, comedians and bloggers on the internet. 

Look at Michelle Phan. Seven years on YouTube, a makeup line, millions of fans and fantastic success later, and she is still getting hit left and right for her choices and the message that she puts across. The lawsuit with Ultra Records notwithstanding. 

What about Bethany Mota? This girl is three years my junior and her net worth is probably thousands of times bigger than mine -- if not more. She liked clothes and DIY projects and landed herself a clothing line with one of her favorite stores.

Yet on each of these channels, you can see people commenting and saying that they are sellouts, their personal branding has changed or that they are no longer as "down to earth."But is this really our place to comment? The short answer is: no.

These people put themselves out there -- knowing the risks of humiliation and failure -- and still produce consistent content that, like it or not, we take time out of our day to enjoy. 

To publicly shame and judge just reflects the sadness that one must have with their own lives. Believe it or not, somehow we will all be successful in our own little stratosphere, but trying to bring others down because they are furthering their own lives is not the way to do it.

Enjoy that they take the time out of their own days to try to make our days a little bit brighter; it isn't your place to judge how they do it.

xoxo darlings,


Golden Child

Saturday, July 26, 2014

For years I have been the glue that holds my family together.
I am the "golden child."

Don't confuse this arduous position with being the prodigal child who is just built perfectly. No, it is quite the opposite. Being what my therapist calls the golden child is a self assumed position where one forces themself to adopt a falsified pristine personality to protect the failures of their charges.

My goal in life was always to be what I thought was perfect so that even if the people that I cared for messed up, I could uphold the average.

This whole process ate away at me over the years, with people aging and making mistakes or decisions that I didn't deem appropriate the job became harder and harder. Though some part of my inner psyche knew that it was high risk/no reward, I still thought that maybe just maybe my actions would rub off on my loved ones.

What it ultimately did was break me.

There was no last straw that broke the metaphorical camel's back, it was just a slow process of more and more weight being added until my drive was close to full suffocation.

The response from this was far from what I thought it would be. Initially it seemed like everyone would just adapt and it would all be okay, and while some of the people around me instantly altered their sense of relationship with me, one in particular couldn't and still cannot handle it.

But in healing from my need to be the glue for everyone else, I now see that it isn't my place to fix my family or anyone else that comes into my life, even when I see it as my responsibility for their discord.

Being the golden child has showed me when and where it's appropriate to help others to be strong.

If you are the golden child, find peace in the fact that the only person that you are responsible to take care of is yourself, and in trying to fix others, you disregard your own needs. Be selfish sometimes, because it's not worth it to be ill and weak just for the sake of those around you.

xoxo darlings,


It's All In Your Head

Thursday, July 24, 2014

My parents tell me that I was a really healthy child. (Go back and read that with emphasis on the word "tell.") I have trouble believing that because as an adult, I am the equivalent of the sickliest little baby in the NICU.

Don't start saying "awww," or tell me how sad it is. It's not. Because it's all my fault. 

Here's how: 
My parents have always subscribed to the belief that the thoughts and vibes you put into the Universe will be what you ultimately receive. This has nothing to do with Karma, and everything to do with the fact that when you have pathetic thoughts, you're going to end up living a pathetic life.

So, having grown up with that kind of ideal being told to me day in and day out, I clearly did exactly the opposite. Every day was "woe is me," "look at me...everyone else is so perfect and healthy," "I hate my body." So guess what? My body started failing on me. 

I have already had pneumonia five--possibly six--times in my life, and I've had a chronic cough for the past six months. I have asthma. I have early onset arthritis (I know, right.) I have tendon and ligament problems ... and I'm sure there's more that I'm forgetting.

Combining my negativity with common life stresses, and I have provided the perfect emotional petri dish for myself to become horribly sick. 

Having all of this happen has really kicked my ass into gear, and I've realized that my negativity really has perpetuated my illnesses both now and in the past. So I'm making a conscious decision--and making myself accountable to any and all people that are reading this--to be positive and heal myself from within.

I've had a bucket load of emotional hardship in my life, but I can't let that slowly kill me anymore. Just two days ago, I told all of you how I am strong and successful, so I will just allow this to be one more way that I can apply that consciousness to my life.

Right, so I, Aiyana Sharai, promise that from this point forward, I will be positive about my health. I will not allow the words of my subconscious, nor the words of others, to undermine my positivity towards my physical, mental and emotional health ... erm, Amen?

I want all of you to be positive too.

xoxo darlings,


Compulsory Introductions

Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Well, hi.

My name is Aiyana, but I used to be known as Clementine.
I'm 20 years old and just doing whatever the hell makes me happy.

The life that I call mine is made up of a lot of things, but I'm mostly just venturing to live out as many of my numerous dreams as I can while trying to maintain sanity in a very insane world.

I am a survivor of Child Sexual Abuse, and that has pretty much been the engine that drives me to be better, smarter and more successful. At 19 I dropped out of school after only three semesters, but don't write me off just yet.

In the absence from university, I have flourished. With the secret of my abuse finally having seen the light of day, I was free to explore who I wanted to be and not bound to the personality that I had formed as a protective shell. Within and without the exploration I found the strength in myself to go after my goals, and I landed myself an internship that would ultimately redirect and shape my future; this job being at a newspaper.

Before you get the idea in your mind that I was the mailroom wench, stop and let me tell you about my year and a half long foray into being a journalist. Complete with a byline and assignments that ran the gamut from murders to centennial birthday parties and everything in between.

Being shoved into situations that tested my mental stability--you try knocking on a murderer's door because your editor gave you the wrong address--and also exercised my ability to stay awake at a 7 a.m. press conference truly forced me to reexamine what was important and what I really wanted to do with my life.

By the middle of my tenure at the paper, I was given somewhat of a lateral promotion--basically being paid the same for a slightly more strenuous position--and was suddenly thrust to do the job of one of the other interns as morning blogger. I was the first person in the office, trusted to publish to the online edition without an editor's approval, on top of being depended upon to keep all of the paper's social media running smoothly.

When my internship ended I began to explore more of what I could do with the skills that I had acquired and realized that social media was something that I was pretty good at working with on a large scale, so why not pursue it? I proposed this idea to my father and asked if I could test my skill with his company.

Stop while you're ahead. Yes. I abused the dirty n-word that is nepotism, but I think the fact that I've grown his businesses' online following by close to 200% speaks volumes of what I can do. Now his company isn't my only client.

The path that my life was on has veered drastically. Thanks, in part, to the tragedy that no longer defines me. My definition of self has been rocked to the core, my world has been altered and success is no longer a dream, but a state of mind.

This blog is just a place for me to dabble into the occasionally strange things that I think about, love, strive for and ultimately achieve.

Once we've gotten to know each other a little better, I'll let you in a little bit more.

xoxo darlings,


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